Humor – wisdom

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Sometimes,  we just have to stop and laugh.  Some jokes sent to me by my cousin.

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Words of Wisdom

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Ø  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

Ø  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Ø  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Ø  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø  War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Ø  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø  Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

Ø  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Ø  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it.

Ø  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said
“Implants?”

Ø  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America ?

Ø  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

Ø  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Ø  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you
wish they were.

Ø  Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø  I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Ø  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.

Ø  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

Ø  You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Ø  Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

Ø  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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