Humor – wisdom

Sometimes,  we just have to stop and laugh.  Some jokes sent to me by my cousin.

Words of Wisdom

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Ø  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

Ø  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Ø  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Ø  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø  War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Ø  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø  Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is

Ø  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Ø  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it.

Ø  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said

Ø  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America ?

Ø  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

Ø  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Ø  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you
wish they were.

Ø  Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø  I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Ø  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.

Ø  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

Ø  You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Ø  Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

Ø  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

10 Responses to “Humor – wisdom”

  1. your cousin is FUNNY!

    My Fav:I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 😉

  2. Many, Many moons ago I heard a joke by Jay Leno..goes something like this:

    These Jehovah witnesses, they will tell you that only 144,000 are getting into heaven…then WHY are they recruiting everyone? If it were me, I wouldn’t tell anyone and make sure my spot was reserved! Ha!

  3. cute

  4. Haha funny. The one about the grandfather driving reminds me of when my great grandfather decided to take a trip with more than 90% of his vision gone and he was driving. My mom and aunt were on the floor in the backseat crying the whole time. He made it more than 80 miles before law enforcement pulled him over and made him get in the passengers seat and have someone else drive.

  5. The photo of Buddhists (? krishnas?)reminds me of a story of priest-candidates in the Notre Dame Seminary going on a group tour on a bus to the gay town (seen on a youtube by an ex-priest). That would not make us laugh :-<. I can see why they have so much scandal, which may lead their decline.

  6. Laughter is always welcomed. Thank you for sending me some happiness.

  7. Humor! God created it, we should enjoy it more often. That image is great.

  8. Hello all
    I didn’t quite know where to post this, but this seems like the place to show some biblical humor. My kids asked me why I was giggling when I was reading the bible.

    Isaiah 26:17-18
    ” Like a pregnant women who writhes and cries out in her pangs when she is near to giving birth, so were we because of you, O lord.
    18. we were pregnant, we writhed, but we have given birth to the wind. We have accomplished no deliverance in the earth, and the inhabitants of the world have not fallen.”

    Kind of puts our works in their proper place.!!!

  9. […] Humor – wisdom […]

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